According to NDIC spokesman, who asked not to be named because he was afraid of the Governor of Central Bank, these microfinance banks had survived for so long because their community was being funded by OPM a.k.a Other People’s Money.

When questioned, the high chief of the microfinance settlement revealed that many of his cohabitants relocated to the secluded location due to unexpected circumstances. “We were faced with many, many problems,” said the Chief. “Porblems like Landlord Wahala, Unguaranteed Loans, Lack of Focus, Disappearance of Business Plans, and Disappearance of Untrained Staff were among those that chased us into this box.”

However, the NDIC has given the distressed micro banks a 14-day ultimatum to return to their previous addresses or face major sanctions. To those of them who cannot afford rent, the NDIC is offering low cost accommodation at the abandoned National Stadium in Lagos.

In the meantime, so that this situation  will not recur, the government is planning to hand out a limited number of microfinance licenses to taxi drivers, motor mechanics, newspaper  vendors, plumbers and other highly placed Nigerians.

A Bank Was Here

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According to the minister of Information, Prof Dora Yili, the government decided that if it could be paying 60,000 naira a month to every ex Niger Delta militant, it could afford to pay more to every Nigeria who did not have a secure means of livelihood.

This development came on the heels of the claim by the governor of Ogun State, O.D Gbenga, that there were militants in his state that must also be compensated. His statement was rapidly followed by a clamour in the senate for the president to consider national character in the selection of the militants to reward.

However, as the government chose to extend the courtesy of free money to everyone in the country, youths and old people have been extending their appreciation to the president, his wife, and house boy, Mr Niyi.

In a full page advertisement placed in The Weak magazine, the Coalition of Mothers with Jobless Sons has called on the president to convert himself to life president.

Meanwhile the queue for free cash

Clean money, like this, is going round

is causing serious traffic jam in Abakaliki.

I spoke to their spokesman, Mr. Daniel Kanu, Jr. He was very excited. “Finally, we’ve found a worthy successor to the throne of President Olusegun Obasanjo,” he beamed.

“So far, our current President, Alhaji Go-Slow, has not been able to match the achievements of Obasanjo because he never went to Prison! As you’re aware, the highest office in the land is reserved for ex-cons only. And now, a man who is experienced in everything else has finally written his name in gold by taking a bold step towards Ikoyi. It’s a good beginning towards a bright future.”

However, the Nigeria Association of Corrupt Moneybags and Ex-Governors (NACOMEG) has said it would make Nigeria ungovernable should Bode George emerge as the natural candidate of the PDP Party. “We will not take it,” said the President of the association, Chief Dieprieye Alams. “Some of us have more years of experience when it comes embezzlement. Bode cannot take that away from us because he bribed a judge to send him to jail. We shan’t take it!”

In another development,

1 Million Men @ Ojuelegba

the governor of Bayelsa State has promised to donate free tickets to all natives of his state to watch fifteen Under17 World Cup matches in Abuja and Lagos.

Another newspaper (not this one) reported that there were gasps when people realised that the $50,000 prize money would go to no one in particular. “A very notable female senator off the federal republic shouted eewo and a solid coat of  pancake fell off her bleached face.”

The Managing Director of NLNG, Chima Ibeneche, however promised that the money would be dispatched via ghana-must-go bags to the Nigeria Academy of Letters, who would know how to put the money to the most rewarding use.

“Besides,” said Mr. Ibeneche, “that money is too much to dash only one person.”

Chairman of the panel, Prof. Ayo Banjo agrees with the NLNG position. “The problem with this country is that everybody who can hold a pencil or lipstick believes he is a writer.  Can they be better than me? I mean, I wrote the English textbook that all of them studied in the universities.”

When asked about I Am Memory, one of the very promising poetry collections submitted for the award, Prof Banjo stated that as the average age of the panel members was 67, the book almost caused a pandemic of coronary failures.  ”It is pornography in print. My son, we don’t have the heart for that. I’m sorry but we didn’t read it.”

As the company prepares for the next awards, it has published a list of sure-fire attributes of a winning entry. First, the book must be authored by an American returnee who is a Niger-Delta native and runs an NGO called Wetin Agberos Dey Do Sef?

A cross section of guests who were very surprised

However, a more important VIP in the party revealed that it was Mr. Soludo’s Australian connection that sealed the deal for the him.  According to the high chief from a remote Warri village, Soludo has finally joined the ranks of PDP Party members with suspicious financial bases and  untraceable offshore accounts.

Investigations by R!otACTZ also confirmed that initial disagreements over the former CBN governor’s qualifications were finally quelled when records were brought forward to show that during his two terms at the central bank, the candidate worked very hard to supply cash to the right quarters in elaborate ghana-must-go bags

The real president of Nigeria and a friend

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Also, other caucuses which have elected Mr. Soludo as their “consensus” candidate include the West African Association of Yahoo, Yahoo Practitioners (WAYOOP), and the National Committee of Area Boys (NACAB).

In a press release made available to reputable news agencies like RiotACTZ, the President of Kennis, Mr. Kenni Ogungbe stated that it was time the company took its rightful place on the bandwagon of reality shows in the country.

“We started this whole hip-hop thing,” said Ogungbe. “And now that the game is moving towards more games, we should show everyone that we run this town. We’re world-famous, baby!”

The new reality show, which will be shown seven days a week on AIT network and also broadcast live on RayPower 100FM and 106FM, will have Olu Maintain and Kelly Handsome as judges. A surprise appearance will be made by former governor of Delta State, Chief James Ibori.

This move by Kennis Music has been praised by industry watchers as very proactive, in view of the stiff competition from Storm Records and Mo’ Hits who have successfully run reality shows of their own.

Ogungbe explained how his show is unique. “Our show will not only provide great entertainment to Nigerians, it will also show new ways to succeed as a
Yahoo! Yahoo! executive in this economic downturn,” he said.

In an unrelated report, hip hop star Mo’Cheddar has accused Chocolate City of playing a fast one on her at the Hennessy Artistry Competition.  The female rapper contended that she lost the contest to Chocolate City’s Ice Prince because C.C. CEO, Audu Maikori conspired with the barmen at the event to load her up on a wild cocktail that made her barf on her rhymes.

“Media reports are often outdated,” said a presidency official who asked not to be named because she was not authorised to. “By the time normal news is published, it’s already stale. That’s why we invented the Preport.”

These Preports, however, will not be about federal government activities but about other people, especially governors who belong to other parties outside the PDP Party.

In an earlier statement from the office of the assistant to the special assistant

Welcome to Abuja

to the Vice President, Preports would “preempt” activities of individuals like Governor RAF Fasola of Lagos which might be “distracting” the federal government from being federal government.

A source close to the highest seat of power said, “There are some people who erroneously believe that a sitting public official should be in power to provide public service. These people are dangerous and the President should have a full preport on all their future plans by the time he is ready for his next trip to Saudi Arabia, this time to commission Arabian public toilets.”

The PDP Party is the biggest political party in the Africa, even though a couple of rabble rousers are threatening to create a more gigantic one by converting the National Association of Morons and Nincompoops (NAMAN) into a mammoth party to unseat the PDP Party.

In the meantime, the PDP Party needs all the eyes it can get to watch its detractors who want to bring the current administration into disrepute, especially by painting a false picture that Abuja is slow and confused. “We will not accept this at all,” said Mr. Segun Niyi, the president’s special adviser on communication.

In another development, the information and national orientation ministry is pressing forward with the national re-branding  project by building statues in special honour of past governors who made impressive fortunes while in office. According to the minister in charge of that establishment, Prof. Dora Kunyili, recognition will be given to governors who were convicted felons in Europe.